I have been awake for 12 months. Seriously. Tiddly Wink is not up for the sleeping-longer-than-four-hours lark, often only snoozing for a couple at a time.
Chronic lack of sleep does little for one's sanity, co-ordination, social life and mental health.
By that, I mean I have, on several occasions, lost the plot; lost my way, on my own street, after leaving the house and forgetting where I was going, cancelled a multitude of dates without the children because I know I will be panicky and just plain exhausted anyway; and had some pretty dark days with acute anxiety and palpitations.
Sometimes I resent Tidldly Wink nursing for the tenth time in a night, wanting to be completely selfish and just have my boobs back.
Sometimes I get shouty and cross with Tiddly Pom for tiny insignificant things, then instantly regret it when her confused, sweet face looks back in a hurt way.
Often I dream of just having one hour to myself, to idle and wallow away in a coffee house, flicking through one of the gazillion books I have stacked around the house ready to read, never with a spare moment to be read.
Sometimes I feel so alone and misunderstood I cry and wonder where I have gone to.
But when I see...
my adorable little cupcake, snuggled in her bed, content and in milky dream land...
my gorgeous big girl, with tousled mousy curls on her pillow, surrounded by blankets, books, dolls and other random objects, having fallen asleep thinking of dozens of questions about life for tomorrow,
then I know,
what it is,
what I'm here for,
what it's all about,
why it's all worth the pain, strain, heartache, headache, tears and tantrums.
My beautiful children. You are perfect in every way. Please don't ever change.