Saturday, 3 July 2010

Time? No time!

Gah, where does time go?

I have been awake for 12 months. Seriously. Tiddly Wink is not up for the sleeping-longer-than-four-hours lark, often only snoozing for a couple at a time.

Chronic lack of sleep does little for one's sanity, co-ordination, social life and mental health.

By that, I mean I have, on several occasions, lost the plot; lost my way, on my own street, after leaving the house and forgetting where I was going, cancelled a multitude of dates without the children because I know I will be panicky and just plain exhausted anyway; and had some pretty dark days with acute anxiety and palpitations.

Sometimes I resent Tidldly Wink nursing for the tenth time in a night, wanting to be completely selfish and just have my boobs back.

Sometimes I get shouty and cross with Tiddly Pom for tiny insignificant things, then instantly regret it when her confused, sweet face looks back in a hurt way.

Often I dream of just having one hour to myself, to idle and wallow away in a coffee house, flicking through one of the gazillion books I have stacked around the house ready to read, never with a spare moment to be read.

Sometimes I feel so alone and misunderstood I cry and wonder where I have gone to.

But when I see...


my adorable little cupcake, snuggled in her bed, content and in milky dream land...

and...


my gorgeous big girl, with tousled mousy curls on her pillow, surrounded by blankets, books, dolls and other random objects, having fallen asleep thinking of dozens of questions about life for tomorrow,

then I know,

what it is,

what I'm here for,

what it's all about,

why it's all worth the pain, strain, heartache, headache, tears and tantrums.

My beautiful children. You are perfect in every way. Please don't ever change.

Mammy x

6 comments:

ruby said...

oh lovely, thats beautiful, made me have a little tear. Your boobies will be yours again one day and you will get some sleep eventually, it took chris till he was 9 to sleep through the night so im hoping for your sake the girls won't be that bad!!
its hard I know and then its awsome too, strange old thing being a mum isn't it xxx

Danigirl said...

A beautiful post Claire xx

Pippa said...

Aw, I soooo know what you mean! Minnie still wakes up in the night for a "feed feed" and often during the day, I just get myself sat down with a cuppa and a magazine and she appears from nowhere, asking for a "feed feed"! and it's hard not to feel frustrated and a bit trapped. Tiredness is awful, I get overtired very easily these days and start fretting about the housework, the children, the mountains of things I want to do but don't seem to find the energy to do and DH tells me that I'm talking gibberish, but at the time, the tiredness takes over and I'm lost in the middle.

But, as you say, I see Minnie sleeping on the sofa or on our bed and my heart just melts and it all makes sense and feels every ounce worth it and if I can, I will lay down next to her and try to catch a rest too.

Being a mum is always so bloomin under-rated but I know it's worth it and you know it's worth it and I bet those kiddies of yours are confident and secure of your love which will set them up for life.

Lovely blog post and shows what a loving mum you are. xxxx

Scented Sweetpeas said...

Oh my goodness your post just sums sleep deprivation up perfectly. I have done many mad things when sleep deprived. I am still lucky if i get a whole nights sleep and little one is nearly 3 but I know it is worth it all in the long run. It is crazy how much it takes you over, sometimes I can't even walk up the stairs without getting breathless, your personality changes and you do silly things like put the milk in the coffee jar and not your cup. I sympathise with you - wishing you sleep very soon. x

LesleyA said...

Oh Claire that's a lovely post (((hugs))) to you and I hope you feel a bit more rested. Your children ARE beautiful X

Claire said...

Thank you for those lovely comments gorgeous ladies :)

Hope you're all having a great week and have a lovely weekend.

xxx